i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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