I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
