I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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