Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
