Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
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