Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
