All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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