i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
