is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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