no, he came in my armpit
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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