she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
