I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
