i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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