dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
