I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
