dude i'm inner monologue high
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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