Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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