you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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