i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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