I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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