I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
