I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
