Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
