you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
