Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
