i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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