I want you more than these girls want KFC
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
