This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
