My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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