I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
