I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
