so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
