You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
