This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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