just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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