Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
