Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
