I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
