I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
