pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
