trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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