hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
