remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
