Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Someone shattered a urinal.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Im part way to drunk.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
