i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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