dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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