my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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