So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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