paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Your cock deserves a montage
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
