seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
