if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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