Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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