rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
