The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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