I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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