I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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